Connect by David Bradford Ph.D. & Carole Robin Ph.D

Author:David Bradford, Ph.D. & Carole Robin, Ph.D. [Bradford, David & Robin, Carole]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Crown
Published: 2021-02-09T00:00:00+00:00

When Giving Feedback Hits a Wall

Rachel had two objectives. The first was not to back down. And the second was to do a better job giving Phil feedback on his advice-giving and responses to her attempts to talk about it. This is not as easy as it sounds. Even though she was more direct on their hike than she’d been before, it didn’t really seem to be working, and Phil’s reaction only increased her frustration. She could have easily given up or blown up.

With Ben and Liam, and again with Elena and Sanjay, feedback worked because both giver and receiver shared the same sense of joint responsibility to move into a problem-solving conversation. Although Rachel provided feedback that also stayed on her side of the net, Phil wasn’t willing to play ball. Instead, he acted in ways that made it hard for Rachel to continue.

He showed hurt feelings, inducing guilt. He withdrew and said little, and he shifted the focus of the conversation back to advice-giving and away from their inability to talk things through. The barriers Phil put up are not uncommon. There are others, too, that Phil didn’t use but that we see all the time. (Some of these were mentioned in the prior chapter in which we discussed dealing with defensiveness.)

Denial

“No, I don’t do that. I think you’re imagining that.”

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